save the last dance

i almost miss me

2006-03-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

I almost miss the person that I might have been, without all the experiences, good and bad, that I've had. I think about it a lot, if I would be even remotely similar to who I am now if some things in my past hadn't happened. I wonder who I'd be, and, when I think about some of the not so great things that have happened, I almost feel like I miss the person I would have become in an alternate reality. Maybe that person would be a lot better than I am, maybe not. I wonder, also, if I'd be willing to take that chance, to go back in time and do things differently. I also wonder if I could have made a difference. There's a lot of questions, and not a lot of answers, but that's how most of life seems to be. For every answer, there's another couple dozen questions to be asked.

happiness...

2006-03-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

Pure, true happiness. What's that I like? I can't remember feeling that way. I have friends who say that they've found the thing that makes them really happy.
Why don't I have that? Why can't I have that?
I've got an answer, but it's an answer that only leads to more questions.
The answer lies in the past, in things I can't forget. Things that even if I'm not consciously thinking about them, they're always there, waiting in my mind, to come out when I might be happy, and say, 'remember this? no way you can be happy after that!' And then I can't be happy. I just can't forget.
Maybe I don't want to forget. Those memories, those things that happened, they're a part of me now, as bad as it was then, I wouldn't be the person that I am now without those experiences. As much as I wish I could forget, maybe it's not so bad that I can't. Those memories are a part of me, and without them, who would I be?
Maybe I'd be a better, happier person.
Or maybe not.
If I could, would I be willing to take that chance, to forget all of that?
I wish I knew.

fall between the cracks

2006-03-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

In our society, it's so easy for people to just slip between the cracks. If you're not the very best, don't even bother trying, and if you're not the worst, people don't laugh at you--they don't even notice you. If you're anywhere in between, you don't matter at all--nobody will try to help you in school if you're making C's and D's, because there's no time for those average kids, just the ones who are failing completely. If you're not the very best at your job, you're stuck where you are, nowhere else to go, falling between the cracks. The average people are part of what makes our society work, because without them, we'd all either be sitting at home not able to get a job (the very worst) or sitting in our offices trying to direct people, but with no one to direct. I read a book once that took place in the middle ages, and someone said something like this:
There are different kinds of warriors. There are heroes, who find dark places, fight in them, and bring the light in again. This is wonderful, but there aren't many dark places like that in the world. Then there are ordinary soldiers, who need to follow orders. This is good, too, because without people to do that sort of work, we'd be a mess. Then there are commanders, the people who lead the soldiers. Not many people can do this, but it's just as important as being a hero, because with nobody to give the orders, everything would fall apart.
I don't remember the exact wording, but it's something like that. It's true, too, we need all kinds of people. The people we need the most of, though, are the average people, because maybe we need people to operate machinery, but not as many of those as we need the gears and circuits and things that make the machine work. Average people are important in our society--and notice I say average, not normal, because nobody is really normal, I just mean they aren't great at anything or terrible at it--but people don't realize that, and average people just fall between the cracks.

sometimes i need to say...

2006-02-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I need to say what I'm thinking, or I think I'll go crazy, and just have to scream it out to the world. Here's my place to say it, my sanctuary, where I could be anybody. I could be living next door to you, or halfway around the world, and you won't know. My name is Marie (or is it?) and I'm anybody I can imagine. I'm cautious and impulsive, quiet and loquacious, understanding and quick to judge, outgoing and shy.
I am a writer, an artist, and a thinker. I'm your next door neighbor, that girl on the street corner, the girl you see when you turn on the TV, the grocery store cashier, the girl who runs by in the park.
I guess you'll just have to get your own ideas of who I am.